


Beneath The Willow Tree (Before We Say Goodbye)

by To_create_a_new_user_name_is_hard



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, First Kiss, Fluff, Graduation, Happy Ending, Harry is gay, Heartbreak, Holding Hands, Jealousy, Light Angst, Louis is bi, Louis' POV, Love Confessions, M/M, Nature, Open Ending, POV First Person, Present Tense, but also hella cute, eventually, louis is shy and awkward, they are 18 and 19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 22:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3399281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/To_create_a_new_user_name_is_hard/pseuds/To_create_a_new_user_name_is_hard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry have both been in the same class in college for four years. Louis is 19 and Harry is 18. After their official graduation party is over, they move on with their friends to celebrate with a barbecue in the near-by forest. This is probably going to be the last time they are all together like this because now that school is finished, everyone goes their own way. So if you have something important to say, this is the time to do so.</p><p>or</p><p>Louis has been in love with Harry for quite a while and decides to confess now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beneath The Willow Tree (Before We Say Goodbye)

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy
> 
> so the biggest part of this fic is basically a monologue from Louis confessing his love to Harry. The language is ...questionable and maybe a bit weird or funny at times, partly because it's direct speech and I wanted it to be authentic and partly because I am a terrible writer. (sorry) but I gave my best so please don't be too harsh. comments are always appreciated:)
> 
> there will be fluffy fluff and a happy ending, though! I promise!

 

[INTRODUCTION]

Louis and Harry have both been in the same class in college for four years. Louis is 19 and Harry is 18. After their official graduation party is over, they move on with their friends to celebrate with a barbecue in the near-by forest. This is probably going to be the last time they are all together like this because now that school is finished, everyone goes their own way. So if you have something important to say, this is the time to do so.

 

[LOUIS’ POV]

„Hey! Can we talk?“

„But we are talking?“ Harry says with a giggle before popping another marshmallow in his mouth.

„Yeah, but I mean like, in private? Come with me, will you?”

“Uhm, ok? Where do you wanna talk?”

I lean forward to grab his wrist.

“Let’s just go sit under that tree there, alright?”

He follows me silently. Well, it’s not like he has much of a choice since I’m dragging him along. We reach the beautiful willow tree and sit down beneath it right next to its mighty gnarled stem. It is summer and the sun is burning down from the sky. It is an unusually hot day as well so we both welcome the coolness in the shadow of the tree. Everything around us is so calm and radiating with contentment. So peaceful. I could fall asleep right now, right here beneath this willow tree, if I wasn’t so incredibly nervous about the conversation I was about to initiate.

“I need to tell you something.”

Harry shifts a bit so he can sit face-to-face with me. He doesn’t answer, just tilts his head to one side and raises both eyebrows. I think he is trying to encourage me to continue.

“I have wanted to say this for a long time now but I never could….I I mean, like uhh. Technically, I could have told you but, but that’s not the point.”

(Wow. Off to a great start, are we?) I was thinking to myself.

I let out a loud huff before continuing. There is no way out of this now. I am going to do this. I **_have_** to do this. I **_want_** to do this!

“Do you remember that time when I told you that I wasn’t, well, exactly straight? When I told you that I like boys as much as I like girls? I never told you how I found out that I was bi, though. And that’s for a reason. I’m going to tell you now and …and I’m going to tell you something else, that will probably shock you and I am so sorry in advance, Harry, believe me but I just have to get this off my chest. And before you say something, please let me finish what I have to say. It is important that you hear me out because I don’t think I could handle pouring out my heart to you while simultaneously having to react to what you say.”

I snickered nervously. “I have always thought boys can be very….handsome. But I never really felt attracted to them, you know? Like, I like girls, so much is clear, but boys? Anyway, I only realized that I was bi when…” I feel my mouth go dry and my stomach twist.”….when I fell in love with you. It happened around summer last year, so yeah about a year ago. At first I didn’t think it was _that_ kind of love. We have known each other for over four years and I have always loved you as a friend but then suddenly…my feelings for you began to change. Subtly at first, but there came a point where I had to admit to myself that it’s more than just friendship for me, that I have **_actual_** romantic feelings for you. I know you don’t consider yourself _lovable_ or _desirable_ but, ughh…., if you could only see yourself through someone else’s eyes. I could name you a million reasons why someone would fall in love with you and I will tell you every single reason, and may it be oh so small, why **_I_** fell for you if you want me to but only after I have finished this, ok? For so long, all I could think about when I was with you was kissing you. I just wanted to know how your lips feel pressed to mine. So many times I had to keep myself from touching you, running my fingers through your soft hair, caressing your delicate fingers or just from hugging you. Hugging you like the fate of the entire humanity depended on it.

But I…I never really, like uhh, thought about having sex with you. Not that you are not attractive enough! I just mean that I felt attracted to you in a **_romantic_** way, rather than in a sexual kind of way… (mostly.)”

(Please, god in heaven, don’t let him think I’m weird or creepy for saying all this!)

“You probably wonder, why I have never told you about my feelings for you. Well there are three reasons.

The first one being: I wasn’t sure about **_your_** sexuality. I mean, I always assumed you were gay but I could never be certain because you never told me and I …I didn’t dare to ask you because I didn’t want to push you or something. I always figured that if you wanted to talk with me about your sexuality, if you felt ready to talk about it that is, then you would do it. And, well, since you never told me anything I thought that you didn’t **_want_** to tell me.

So yeah. As your friend, that kind of irritated me and made me a bit sad at the same time. I reasoned: Why tell you I was in love with you when you aren’t even interested in boys. Pretty pointless, don’t you think?

Which brings us to the second reason: I didn’t want to risk our friendship for something that was most likely never going to happen anyways. I don’t know if you noticed, but I am quite an awkward and introvert person. I don’t have many friends. It’s really hard for me to interact with people or do social stuff that comes naturally to others. I know this is probably not mutual but….I consider **_you_** my best friend. There is no one in this world that I feel closer to than you. No one who understands me the way you do. And as my best friend, and sometimes my only friend, or so it feels to me at least, you mean the world to me. Losing you would be…unacceptable. I couldn’t lose you. There was no way I would do anything to risk our friendship, to push you away from me. I couldn’t tell you how I felt because even **_if_** you felt the same way about me and even **_if_** we got together as a couple…well, I’m terrible at maintain a relationship. Just ask my exs. I was so certain that I would do something wrong and accidentally fuck up what we have. And then I would not only have lost you as a friend but also as my boyfriend. And…I…I just couldn’t risk that.

Third reason, the last one: It was always quite clear that you had no interest in me. It’s not like you ever actually rejected me. But then again, why would you? You never knew about my feelings for you and I never tried to approach you or flirt with you in the first place. I had no reason to. You always let me know who you are crushing on. And that was never me. There was a phase when I actually considered hinting to you that I like you more than just as a friend. But then you suddenly had this thing going with Marceline, which I really didn’t expect since I always thought you to be gay. And…” I try but I can’t hold back the chuckle that erupts from my lips. “Well, it turned out I was right, didn’t it? You are gay and this “fling” with you and Marceline didn’t last a week. I was so happy. You finally told me you are gay. I finally knew what I was dealing with. And you were single. I got my hopes up… I still can’t believe I could be so naïve. Right after Marceline, you started talking about Marino. How handsome and cool he is and how much you would like to get to know him and stuff. Marino is about the opposite of me. All those things you admire about Marino…I don’t have them. So yeah…you can imagine how much that hurt. And that’s when I began to realize that this thing with us….it would never happen. You are interested in someone else. I am not your type. You have never been in love with me and you never would be. I started fighting my feelings for you. I didn’t want to be in love with you anymore. But, as you know best, you can’t decide with whom you fall in love with or when or for how long. I just had to learn to live with my feelings and the heartbreak that I had to endure every day when you would talk about or with other boys or when you would stop in the middle of the hallway just to stare at Marino’s ass a little longer.

It was hard. But there was nothing I could do about it. I never told anyone else about my feeling for you either, by the way. I don’t know why. It’s just always been my little secret and I wanted it to stay that way. A secret. Private.”

A long pause follows. We both just sit there, beneath that beautiful willow tree on this beautiful summer’s day and we stare into each other’s eyes. Neither of us saying a word. The look on Harry’s face is almost expressionless. There is a hint of shock and disbelieve in his eyes but that was to be expected. Apart from that, I can’t make out how he is feeling or what might be going through this curly brown head of his. I wonder, does he not speak because he feels I have not quite finished yet with my speech and I told him to wait until it is over or if he genuinely doesn’t know what to say?

“Sooo.”I continue.

God damn it. I can speak like a waterfall without end but finding the right words to begin with is always sooooo hard. I try again.

“You probably wonder, why I am telling you this **_now_**. And why I am telling you this **_at all_** since I’ve made it very clear that I originally decided you should never know about this.”

Silence. Right, he isn’t supposed to speak. On we go then.

“Well, there are basically two reasons. (Yes I really like enumerations, so what?)

It was one of the first times we went swimming together. We were in the showers and you told me about what happened to Marceline after the two of you broke up. As it turned out, she had actually been in love with Joe, her best friend, all along! She had decided to admit her feelings for him, despite knowing he didn’t love her back and you told me how you thought this was so very awkward and that you, had you been in Marceline’s shoes, would not have admitted your feelings for Joe, since it might change the dynamics of your friendship… maybe even ruin it. This made me curious, of course, since that was pretty much my dilemma. So I asked you what you would have done if you were Marceline and you answered me…gosh I really hope you remember this and don’t think I am making this all up to make a point or something…anyways, right, you told me you would have waited until the end of the last school year, until after our graduation party because that would most likely be the last time any of us see each other for a long time…or maybe for forever….so basically the perfect time for confessions. Well, guess what day it is?”

I take the graduation cap from my head and turn it around in my hands. They don’t have this tradition with robes and graduation caps at our school but our class thought it would be fun to at least get a cap for everyone to throw in the air after the ceremony. Like in the movies.

“When you told me this, I decided that that’s what I’m going to do. I decided then and there to confess everything to you after we graduate and …. before we say goodbye. (Maybe for the last time.)

And the second reason, why I am telling you this, is…just…I.

I love you. I have loved you before as a friend, I have loved you in a romantic way and I still love you…in what way I can’t say anymore to be honest. I have spent so long fighting my feelings for you, trying to supress them….and I realise now that I partly succeeded. Though I was never able to let you go completely. All I know for sure is that I love **you**. You as a person. And I always will. You are honestly one of the most beautiful people in this world that I ever had the good fortune to meet and I wish you the best and the happiest life you could possibly have. You deserve it.”

Harry is still staring at me, the same way he has been for the whole length of my monologue, with the same facial expression. Only now a small, shiny tear is rolling out of the corner of his left eye and down his cheek. I let out a long breath before ending my speech.

“What I am actually trying to say, Harry, is this: You are so, so important to me. In so, so many ways. You have been my best friend and the owner of my heart for the last four years. You have made my life so much better and richer during this time and even when you weren’t physically around, you were still always here with me, always on my mind and in my heart.

With you, the days seem brighter and the nights more starry.

You have been, and are, such an important and wonderful part of my life and I just feel like you deserve to know that I love you…. love you a bit more than a friend should. I can’t say goodbye to you, maybe forever, without you knowing my true feelings for you. Just promise me you won’t think badly of me because I kept this a secret from you all this time, ok? Oh god….Please, please tell me you don’t hate me for loving you! Harry? Say something, please! I need to know you don’t hate me!”

Desperation wraps around my heart, making it feel heavy and sluggish. Have I just destroyed our friendship? Tears swell in my eyes and by the next time I blink, they start racing down my flushed cheeks, dripping on the graduation cap that I’m still holding in my hands. I open my mouth again in an attempt to beg Harry to forgive me but before I can make a sound his lips press against mine, sealing my mouth shut.

Warm. Warm and soft. And salty? Must be my tears. (Or his?)

His lips feel like I always imagined they would feel and yet so different at the same time. They are unlike a girl’s lips but then again, this is Harry. His lips are unlike any other boy’s lips, too. I am sobbing but I quickly calm down when Harry brings a hand up behind my neck, tenderly stroking my hair. After a few seconds, Harry pulls back and I open my eyes I didn’t realise I had closed. He is sitting cross-legged in front of me, so close that our knees are touching. His cheeks are a bright pink, wet from tears smeared across them. He has been sobbing through the entirety of the kiss just like me. Now we are both quiet and calm, just sitting here, intently staring at each other. Tiny tears continue to ooze out of both of our eyes. Silence. I hear birds tweet in the branches above me and bees and other insects humming in the field around us. Otherwise, everything is quiet.

Suddenly, Harry stands up swiftly, offering me a hand to pull me up to. I’m standing now but he doesn’t let go of my hand. Instead, he holds me tighter and leads me passed the willow tree and right onto a meadow full of waist-high wild flowers. We walk hand in hand for I don’t know how long. Slowly. Without direction. Neither of us saying a word but the silence isn’t awkward. It’s more like the silence after an ending. There simply is nothing more to be said.

I love Harry. Harry loves me.

How exactly society would define our love isn’t important. You don’t need to be able to name or define or _understand_ everything. Some things are just meant to be.

I’m done overthinking and overanalysing. Now is the time to simply accept and enjoy what I,… what **_we_** , have in this very moment.

 

 


End file.
